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My Grieving Outlet.

My Grieving Outlet.

On New Year’s Eve in 1998, my cousin Thanasi and I watched Green Day ring in the new year. The next morning, Jan 1, 1999, over a bowl of Honey Graham Oh’s, I announced to him that I wanted be a rockstar and play music.  I finally picked a career.  Considering I had never actually picked up a musical instrument, he laughed, and spent the rest of the day making fun of me.  He was a few years older than me, and I looked up to him. His lack of support in this decision really bothered me. I left his house and went straight to the CD Store.  I bought the Eve 6 album and spent the rest of that night deconstructing the lyrics because I didn’t know where else to start.   5 days later, at 22 years old, my cousin took his own life.  We came from a tight knit family of immigrants.  Our parents didn’t speak English, and it was hard for them to communicate.  It was on us kids to grow up so fast, and translate the new world around us.  Being the most outgoing – Thanasi set the stage for what we had to do.  This made him so much more than that big cousin you looked up to.  We all needed him, and he was gone. 

Losing my cousin was such a difficult time for me. I coasted along in 1999, trying to accept the new normal. I barely made it through school, I was late almost every day, and I skipped out on whatever kids do for fun at that age. I spent all my nights doing nothing but working in the pizza place.  On New Year’s Eve 1999, my favorite band, Blink 182, brought in the year 2000.  A year had gone by, and I still hadn’t picked up an instrument.  Maybe my cousin was right.  It was a childish dream.  

Fast forward to that summer visiting my best friends at the beach.  They were playing blink 182 songs on the board walk and a small crowd had gathered around them. They hadn’t been playing music very long.  If they could do it, I could do it!  On my way home, I stopped at the music store and got myself a guitar, and a karaoke machine. It was time to get serious.  I learned 4 chords, and played the shit out of them. I practiced every night, until I fell asleep with the guitar on my stomach.  I was just good enough to join their band. On Dec. 28, 2001, 4 months after joining the band, we played our first show.  When our set was over people were approaching us at our merch table asking for autographs.  What??? I work at a pizza place! 

Those band days were some of the best days of my life.  I spent countless days and endless nights writing songs in hopes of making it big. Part of me just wanted to be somebody.  I wanted to shove my music in the face of anyone who ever doubted me, It was my way of saying “look what I can do”.  I wanted people to think that this small, skinny, quiet, Greek kid was finally kind of “cool.”  

I spent the next 10 years writing music without any meaning behind it.  I was writing songs just to write songs so we could become famous. That’s all I wanted. It was all about an image. An ego, driven by the idea that one day I’ll make money doing this.  I was writing for all the wrong reasons. 

In 2010 I met my now wife.  I knew pretty quickly that she would be the one.  So I spent the next few years focusing on building a life with her, and starting a family.  Playing music was still a part of me, even during this time, but it was now a hobby.  It was something I did to get together with the boys.  My boys, guitars, and a couple beers.  Creating music was something I NEEDED to do to get out of my own head and it’s been the only constant in my life.

March 22, 2019 was the day we had to let Charlie go.  There is no understanding of the value and meaning of life like there is during grieving. Life becomes background noise. Grief is a quiet place.  Grief is Stillness. Holding tightly to your memories is the only thing keeping you together.  I was paralyzed by grief once before, but this time I have an outlet.  Soaked in tears, I started strumming the acoustic guitar and for the first time in nearly 10 years I had a song.  I didn’t need a pen, or a piece of paper. This time was different.  I didn’t set out to write, or prove anything.  With the mood, the moment, and the energy in the room.  The song just came to me. 

This is for my wife, my daughter and for the first time since January 1 1998, I wrote this for me. 

Took me 20 years to figure that out, and all I had to do, was love a dog.

Thank you all for the support. It means the world to our family.

– Saki Bezas

Click here to Watch our Tribute video to Charlie.

Click here to Stream or purchase your copy of Missing you written and performed by Saki Bezas. (available on all platforms)

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6 thoughts on “My Grieving Outlet.

  1. Thank you for sharing that with us. I’m sure your cousin is looking down and smiling upon you each time you pick up that guitar! We have all been so honored that you’ve shared your lives and Charlie’s life with us. It’s amazing how you can become so fond of someone or something that you’ve never actually met. He was such a character and so full of life! It was very clear that he came from a kind and loving home. Although your pain was far greater, we all suffered a huge loss that day. Every now and then a dog comes along and is just so overwhelmingly special. That was Charlie. We all feel your loss through losing pets of our own. It’s unfair we get to share so little time with them. To experience that great unconditional love though is worth it. I’m sure he’s up there having a huge party and everyone is listening to his song! He’s still with you and always will be. Thank you for loving him!

  2. Kerry’s comments so beautifully sum up everything I wanted to say. I cried watching this video and listening to your beautiful, heartfelt and heartbreaking song Saki. Thank you and Meli with all my heart for sharing Charlie and your family with us. I, along with so many folks who have never met Charlie, grieve for him too — he was such a special boy who left us here on earth way too soon but will live forever in our hearts and through your music, videos, photos, ans stories. His spirit surrounds us. Thank you too for sharing what you went through losing your cousin. I love you and your family so much. Happy Birthday Handsome Charlie!!!

  3. This was absolutely amazing, I lost my first dog Gizmo she was a pug and I felt like I lost one of my children being that I had her before I even had kids. This song made me feel exactly as he portrayed his feeling of loss and of course I cried. Saki you are an amazing singer, songwriter, and guitarist don’t ever stop! Melissa you are a beautiful amazing mother and you as well create beauty through all the haircuts, styles, and colors you do! You both are amazing don’t stop being you! RIP Charlie!

  4. My thoughts are divided on which had the most moving impact…the tribute video or the blog from Saki. Both were beautiful thoughts on our Charlie. I say “our” because I know sweet Charlie belonged to the Bezi Family, but somehow he belonged to each of us in his IG Family. These pictures and thoughts made tears flow down my face and soon turned to down right ugly crying. Saki, your story on your life happenings were direct from your heart…from your dear cousin to finally letting your heart guide you to your music. And the pictures of Charlie with his mom and dad and of course his sweet baby Gentle were so bittersweet to watch. I remember you telling of Charlie’s sad last day on the same dad you were experiencing some happy news of baby Iris. Life can sure throw some mean punches that way.

    Everyone has that special dog at least once in their lifetime. We all really thought Charlie was going to be that dog for Gentle…but his cancer was more advanced than what we thought. I’m thinking that he left some instructions with Ralphie on how to watch Gentle and how to monitor a newborn. Seems that Ralphie is beginning to handle that job better each day. I feel that Charlie is well and happy where he is. He’s waiting along with our other dogs to greet us when we get to this place we call heaven. Thanks to each of you for sharing your family and life with your IG Family. We love each of you and will continue to live life with your family. ????????????????????. And Charlie, we will forever love & miss you. ????.

  5. thank you so much for sharing; it is difficult for anyone to bear grief; but to find a way to face it, by music or by writing, give the chance of feeling it less strong, as if it could melt;
    you and your wife found support in yourselves; glad you finally can manage a longlasting sorrow;sharing it with others, brings comfort to us too, and helps us to look at sorrow in different way; I don’ t know you personally and i don’t even know how i found your page, there are hundreds of pages about dogs; but the feelings you show , are so real, that we feel the same; as friends; so thank you Charlie you had and still have the great gift of connecting people ; and thank you Saki and Meli for sharing with us !

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